Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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