I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
