her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
