my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I am midnight drunk by noon
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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