She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i drank out of a bidet.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
