Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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