Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
