last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
