shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
