you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
pop tarts are not kleenex
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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