I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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