I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
it's great music for shaving your balls
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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