god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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