dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
