i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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