I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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