I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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