What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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