and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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