hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
