Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
