You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
