I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
