i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
