Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
