just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
