i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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