Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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