I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
