Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
