Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Randomize