So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Randomize
