apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
