Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
