and next time when you feel me up, do it right
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
