i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
