I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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