When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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