I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
