dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
