So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
