get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize