Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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