my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
