I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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