It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
