well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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