I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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