The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
