There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize