hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
