Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
