I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
