is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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