i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
