Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
