So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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