I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
