Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize