Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
