Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
