he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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