I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
