the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
