Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
