i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
