omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
